The five stages of grief

It’s been a while since I’ve posted (a year to be exact). It seems that finishing up my middle grade novel and preparing it for publication has taken a lot of time away from other projects.  But recently I have felt inspired to share some thoughts about the five stages of grief. I hope my experiences while navigating through the grief process will help those dealing with loss identify the need to allow themselves the time and grace to work through their grief.

 Recognizing the Loss

The five stages of grief consist of denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Apparently not everyone experiences all stages and not always in that order. It’s easy to recognize a need to process grief with the loss of a loved one. It’s not as easy when transitioning through a life-changing event, whether it’s yours or a loved one’s.

 Loss seems obvious in a circumstance such as mine—I lost the ability to walk. However, the real challenge is identifying the deeper loss of one’s lifestyle. Whether you’re confronted with cancer, stroke, paralysis, etc. there’s a loss of one’s sense of normal in addition to the physical loss.  Some conditions happen suddenly while others occur over time. Either way, the person experiencing the event is generally focused on the pure act of surviving while facing the inevitable medical challenges of test results, pain, fear, financial burdens, caring for oneself and your loved one. Unfortunately, processing grief is not even on the radar. A byproduct of the undealt with grief becomes a roller coaster of emotions.

 Most medical communities recognize the need for support systems and provide group therapy options. However, group therapy isn’t for everyone. I for one, wasn’t interested in a group setting, nor was I aware of the need for grief therapy. Many years after the onset of my condition, however, I discovered a few alterative support options.  I was also fortunate to have amazing friends and family that stood by me through the thick of my trials. Until you find your niche, the community that best fits your particular needs, I recommend turning to your closest friends and family. They may not be in your shoes and know exactly where you’re coming from, but they have your best interests at heart and can help transition you through the grief.

 Denial and Isolation

The first reaction to learning about loss . . . is to deny the reality of the situation. “This isn’t happening, this can’t be happening,” people often think. It is a normal reaction to rationalize our overwhelming emotions. . . We block out the words and hide from the facts. For most people experiencing grief, this stage is a temporary response that carries us through the first wave of pain.” —Julie Axelrod (2/8/2019 PyschCentral) 

I can definitely relate to this stage of grief. Postponing medical advice for six months falls directly under the “hide from the facts” mindset. Even though deep down I knew something wasn’t right, I continued to live my life as if everything was normal. When confronted by friends or family about my unusual gait or lack of energy I literally snapped at them, then pushed my anxiety to the back burner.

In an effort to convince myself and others I was simply out of shape, I stubbornly continued to pursue my goal of summiting Mt. Rainier. However, the physical requirements for completing a climbing course left me feeling overwhelmed. I berated myself for becoming out of shape as I looked around the room at the other seemingly fit students. The irony of joining a group only to feel terribly isolated was not at all lost on me, but at that point I was in no position to accept alternative possibilities for my physical failings.

 Once I did seek medical advice and was given the diagnosis of Transverse Myelitis (TM), I fell right into the “this can’t be happening to me” state of mind. Things like this happen to other people, not me. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t wish my situation on anyone else, I just couldn’t believe something that serious was happening to me. I remember a co-worker suggested that I was “in denial.” Needless to say, I snapped at him too. No one wants to be reminded of what they’re supposed to be dealing with when they’re in the emotional quagmire of grief. Fortunately, most of my support group (although concerned about my well-being) allowed me the time necessary to process the information and slowly move on to the next stage—ANGER.